How Me
As my lips closed around the plastic circle and water tipped from the Poland Spring bottle into my mouth and down my throat, the thought intruded: What else am I drinking with this water?
Plastic might be my enemy.
I never asked myself “why me.” I obsessed about “how.” There’s no history of ovarian cancer in my family. No breast cancer. No prostate cancer. No lung cancer, even though the branches on our family tree are gnarly with long term, late stage nicotine addiction.
Did plastic water bottles cause my cancer?
Was it the time I sprayed the outside foundation of the house with insecticide, seeking to annihilate every single rampaging black ant, and the spray nozzle spilled poison, saturating my gloveless hands?
Was the white powdery flea collar I slid around the neck of my childhood cat safe for either of us?
Was it polyester fibers, or even those new “natural” ones known as rayon and tencel?
Hairspray? Hair gel? Nail polish or makeup?
Supermarket vegetables? Chicken? Beef? Pork? Eggs? Milk?
I eat organic now.
And when the needle entered my vein, infusing my blood stream with the pharmaceutical toxins meant to save my life, I fought the thought, What will this cause?
A year after completing treatment, I signed up for an “Environmental Racism” course to understand the impacts of mining, logging, and other industrial activities on people of color. As a diversity junkie, I thought I signed up for the “racism” part.
One hour into class, the truth hit me: this was about cancer. Did a polluted environment make me sick? Was I raised in a house built on a waste dump? Was my home on a brownfield? Was there, is there, asbestos?
And then, what if it wasn’t something tangibly toxic? What if it was psychological? Had depression caused my cancer?
Was ovarian cancer a penalty for not living my real life?
Stagnant work, spotty success, fractured family, stuck in Maine – all daily disappointments. Daily disappointments add up.
I avoided this line of inquiry.
A friend, trying to be helpful, told me that every human carries some form of cancer cells. “It’s just that the cells are dormant in healthy bodies.” I questioned this but never checked it out. What if it was true?
The doctor upped my anti-depressant. And I worried about pharmaceutical toxins again.
© 2011 Cathy Kidman
Cath- I’ve pondered this question too. my dad lived with scleroderma for over 20 years and died from it 10 years ago. there’s not much research but it might be caused by plastics in our environment. recently, i read an article saying that skin cancer is caused by eating junk food- now i feel guilty that i caused my own! Dad always said we’ll all get cancer if we live long enough… whatever caused it, I just pray we’re done!
Agreed. Done.